My boss' voice literally gives me gas
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize