man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
