moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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