did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
