Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize