I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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