please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
