We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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