I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
