do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
