When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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