Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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