...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
