Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
