I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize