At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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