I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
When are your genitals available?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
