I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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