I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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