i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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