So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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