Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
