You just made me feel so damn special
Sponge bath it is.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
