Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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