You're completely useless in the revolution.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
