i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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