I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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