Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize