I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
