Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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