Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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