We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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