Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
