Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize