I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
