farters have to be the big spoon...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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