worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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