Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
