If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
50% drunk capacity currently
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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