Midget sex pt 2 tonight
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
