my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
