my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
