when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
