I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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