After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
