i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize