Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm too high and old for this...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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