he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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