how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
