i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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