Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Randomize
