the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
