you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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