so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
