because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Houston, we have a squirter
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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