I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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