The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
