I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
