Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
