Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize