I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
